THE CAPTURE OF KIP WINSTON

ACT I - SCENE I

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Lights rise on a simple office in downtown New York City, on an April afternoon in 1949. Two chairs, desk with “in” and “out” boxes, a typewriter and rotary dial telephone. KIP WINSTON, early 40's sits in one chair beside the desk of CELESTE BRAVERMAN, a cheerful woman with a mop of curly hair. She is typing, copying information from a form. She speaks with a British accent.

KIP

And I’m fond of the opera too. My former wife wasn’t that interested.

CELESTE

That’s a pity. Nothing like a good stabbing in the midst of a song to get the old juices flowing. “Kip?” Is that short for something?

KIP

No, my mother wanted to name me after Kit Carson whose real name was Christopher but my father thought that “Kit” and “Chris” were girl’s names so they agreed on “Kip.”

CELESTE

And that’s “Winston” as in “Churchill?”

KIP

Right. Have you met him?

CELESTE

Why would I—? Oh, you mean...? Well, Mr. Winston, not everyone in England has met the prime minister. I see you were in the service. Navy. Where were you stationed?

KIP

South Pacific.

CELESTE

Really? You must have plenty of stories.

KIP

No.

The telephone rings.

CELESTE

Hello, Happy Hearts. Marvelous! . . . . Brilliant. . . . . Brilliant . . . I knew you two were meant for each other. Talk to you soon, lovey. Cheers. (Hangs up) You know, Mr. Winston, this is my first divorce.

KIP

Mine too.

CELESTE

I mean most of our clients are single or widows.

Kip

Really? How did you find me?

CELESTE

How? Oh . . . um. . .your wife’s marriage to Harvey Bender was in the New York Times.

KIP

Really? And they mentioned her divorce from me? That’s odd. So, you’re saying you look through the paper for divorceés?

CELESTE

Oh-no-no- no! I don’t, at least. But . . . um. . . Mrs. Braverman who owns the agency will stoop to any— (stops) I mean, she’s quite enterprising. At least where love is concerned.

KIP

Evidently.

CELESTE

Her name is Mrs. “Braverman.”

KIP

Yes. So you said.

CELESTE

(Hinting) She has a daughter - “Celeste?”

KIP

Miss Jones, I’m on my lunch hour so—

CELESTE

Right. And I see you have a daughter too, Mr. Winston. Presumably she resides with your former wife. How often do you see her?

KIP

No - no. She’s with me. In fact Maddie’s the reason I’m here - she thought it was time I made an effort so when your offer came in the mail— she’s a great kid - smart as all heck. Was almost accepted on the Quiz Kids show two years ago when she was fourteen - met Joe Kelly and everything - but she was too shy - she’d know the answers but she was afraid to talk into the microphone. I wish Maddie knew how special she is.

CELESTE

People often don’t realize how special they are, Mr. Winston.

KIP

Well, Nanette - my wife - sure didn’t help any—

The telephone rings. She lifts receiver.

CELESTE

Happy Hearts. Oh, thank you! Thank you, I just knew you two would hit it off. You don’t say! Congratulations! I certainly will. Ta, darling. (Hangs up) Ah, I just love success stories! Where were we, Mr. Winston - may I call you “Kip?”

KIP

Oh, yes..my daughter - she lives with me while Nanette and her new husband are on their honeymoon. They live across the country. Maddie graduates high school next year - “class of 1950" - and. . . Miss Jones, if you don’t mind - before we proceed - how does this work exactly?

CELESTE

Aha! Spoken like a lawyer. What sort of law is ... (squinting at the paper) Berringer, Reed, Janson, Scott, Feldman, Freemont—

KIP

Personal injury. Mostly.

CELESTE

Interesting. One would think all injuries were personal. Especially when someone pretends they’re in love with you and then goes and marries someone else.

KIP

Actually, what I do is prove negligence - if someone created an unsafe situation and someone else gets hurt as a result - like failing to clear an icy pavement or a broken stairway— Miss Jones, this letter you sent? It doesn’t explain about the free complimentary month. Does that mean only one date for the month of April?

CELESTE

Please call me “Pandora.”

KIP

. . .Pandora.

CELESTE

In terms of dates, the sky’s the limit, Kip - all we ask of you is that you be open - open - open! Now - tell me which is more important - that the lady knows who “Scarpia” is or that she’s peppy and energetic and can jump like “Tosca?”

KIP

I’d say peppy and energetic. Although I don’t think she’ll have to jump off a roof or anything. Ha ha.

CELESTE

Ha ha. Let’s hope not. Alrighty then. How does three o’clock tomorrow at Horn & Hardart’s cafeteria sound?

KIP

Oh - but don’t I get to know anything about her?

CELESTE

Of course - of course. She’s . . .ah. . .the June Allison type.

KIP

Oh.

CELESTE

In terms of peppiness - and she’s the Barbara Stanwyck type in terms of flirtatiousness. You weren’t terribly clear on your application - all you said was “not too pretty.” Why is that so important?

KIP

Because my experiences with pretty girls are not the sort I wish to repeat.

CELESTE

So you would like to date a plain girl?

KIP

I didn’t say that. My wife— former wife - she was pretty enough - she was energetic - attractive. But while I was in the service she spent a good deal too much time watching movies and they turned her into somebody I didn’t even know. So I’m not interested in any glamour puss, that’s all. Do I get to see a photograph or read a profile or something?

CELESTE

Would that really help, Kip? I mean, let’s be frank - you already have your mind made up that this is a waste of time, don’t you?

KIP

No—

CELESTE

No?

KIP

No, it’s not a waste of time, it’s just . . . maybe not the right time.

CELESTE

And what do you suppose the right time feels like?

KIP

It feels like . . . Look, Pandora, I’ll be frank. I believe there’s only one man for every woman and vice versa and if you blow it, you blow it. No one else will be quite the same.

CELESTE

I see. I have frequently had that same thought. But mistakes can be rectified, can’t they?

KIP

I don’t know. All I know is my daughter insisted I give this a try so . . .

CELESTE

You said your “experiences” with pretty girls - so, there was more than one?

KIP

What? Oh. I imagine.

CELESTE

You imagine?

KIP

What I mean is . . . my memory hasn’t been quite the same since I came home from the service - I had a slight head injury.

CELESTE

Really? (Sincerely) But that’s terrible.

The telephone rings.

CELESTE (CONT.)

(Lifts phone) Hello, Happy Hearts. Yes, this is Miss Jones - please hold on— . (To KIP) Horn and Hardart’s - Lexington and 42^nd - three o’clock! Call me afterward! (Into telephone) Oh, she did?

Kip sighs resignedly, goes out the door.

Really? And when is the wedding? Perfect! Fantastic! Thrilling!

(Dropping accent) Damnit! He just walked out, Aunt Jane. Look, we may have a little problem. . . . No, he hasn’t changed much at all - still the football hero looking for a cheerleader. No, of course he didn’t recognize me - hell, I didn’t even recognize me in this get-up - no, his memory’s screwed up. Conked on the head in the Navy. Yes. Yes, I believe it - I mentioned “Celeste Braverman” and he didn’t even blink!

While speaking Celeste removes her curly hair - a wig - and the eyeglasses, opens the closet door and takes out a few outfits and wigs.

Was I imagining all that, Aunt Jane? He loved me - didn’t he? I mean before Nanette stuck her goddamned pom-poms in his face.